Epic Voice Guy
.]] “Sometimes it’s okay to just not make a movie.” ~ Epic Voice Guy, The Jungle Book. “Enough.” ~ Epic Voice Guy, Internet. (A Wrinkle In Time) Epic Voice Guy is a character who narrates Screen Junkies Honest Trailers comedy series. Several voice actors have voiced Epic Voice Guy since the series’ inception in 2012. Jon Bailey is the longest running voice and has narrated Honest Trailers since The Lord of the Rings. Bailey typically appears in voice form only, however he has appeared on camera as Epic Voice Guy four times: Divergent, Boyhood, Mad Max: Fury Road and Insurgent. Epic Voice Guy is occasionally referred to as "Jon" (for example, in Finding Nemo). However, it is important to differentiate between fictional Jon the Epic Voice Guy character and Jon Bailey the voice actor. This article concerns only the fictional character. All the information below is derived from small snippets of personal information the character occasionally reveals while narrating Honest Trailers. Geek identity Epic Voice Guy shows a particular interest in kids movies, superhero movies and action movies. Most especially, Epic Voice Guy loves brutal violence. Epic Voice Guy calls himself a Potterhead. He is also an avid fan of Star Wars - in the Return of the Jedi Honest Trailer he notes that his personal identity is "tied to a soap opera about space wizards." Epic Voice Guy is also a fan of George R. R. Martin's ''A Song of Ice and Fire books, and [[Honest Trailer - Game of Thrones Vol. 2|can be condescending to people who only watch the Game of Thrones TV show]]. Epic Voice Guy becomes extremely excited by the idea of a Disney Princess Avengers-style team up. He wishes he could bathe in Disney IP. He'd totally watch a crossover movie featuring Doctor Strange's cape and Aladdin's rug. But, let's face it, who wouldn't!? Epic Voice Guy watches quite a lot of SVU but wishes he could cut back. Additionally, Epic Voice Guy has read the Meg books and thinks the filmmakers should "respect the Meg canon." Epic Voice Guy also has a passionate interest in the extended lore of Robin Hood, particular the widely underappreciated merry men Gilbert Whitehand, The Scotchman and Reynold Greenleaf. His passion for obscure Robin Hood minutiae is largely driven by his loneliness. Despite his undeniably geeky interests, Epic Voice Guy can be self-conscious when he acts like a stereotypical internet geek. For example, when narrating ''Scott Pilgrim vs The World, he worried he was becoming "that guy" who always insists the comic book is better than the movie. While narrating Ghostbusters, he turned into his abrasive alter ego "Angry Voice Guy" whose personality is roughly equivalent to an abusive internet troll. In the same video, Epic Voice Guy expressed concern that he would be doxxed for making a video about Ghostbusters and calling out Trump. General Interests Epic Voice Guy is well informed about conspiracy theories and believes there is a secret Illuminati based under Denver airport and that Christopher Nolan is sending him secret messages. Epic Voice Guy really wishes he could escape the horrible present day. If he could have, Epic Voice Guy would have voted for Obama for a third term. Epic Voice Guy once swore a blood oath to see every film made by The Rock. Also, laundry karate makes him want to drink bleach. Epic Voice Guy is bitter that his yard of dead trees attracted the ire of the city, while other people can successfully claim dead trees as "art". Age and Early Life Epic Voice’s Guy’s exact age is never stated, but he states “I am old” and "I don’t get young people.” Based on the films he has claims to have first viewed as a child, Epic Voice Guy was probably a child during '80s and '90s. Epic Voice Guy is frequently disturbed to discover that movies he adored as a child are incredibly dark or crap when re-visited as an adult. This has resulted in Epic Voice Guy declaring “I hate the past.” As a child, Epic Voice Guy had a toy called Mr Squizzleworth. The mere mention of Mr Squizzleworth is enough to bring Epic Voice Guy to tears. Epic Voice Guy’s parents had a “kink dungeon” which he discovered as a child. He describes the experience as “weird.” When he was a child, Epic Voice Guy's father would put him in spandex and beat him with a roomba.The spandex-wearing and roomba-beating was revealed in a deleted scene in The Incredibles Honest Trailer. Head writer Spencer Gilbert says the fact is not official Epic Voice Guy canon, but it is his 'head canon.' In the Honest Trailer commentary, the writers noted that the fact fits nicely with other aspects of the Epic Voice Guy mythos, namely that he discovered his parent's kink dungeon as a child. Epic Voice Guy listened to Papa Roach in High School. During Spring Break ’97, Epic Voice Guy got so drunk in Brazil that he woke up in Guatemala. He is incredibly proud of this experience. Sexuality Epic Voice Guy has displayed sexual attraction to people of multiple genders and species, including women, men, rabbits and aliens. Epic Voice Guy is also sexually attracted to people with non-binary gender presentation, for example Penelope Cruz dressed as man during Pirates of the Caribbean (”Mustache or not, I’d totally pork that dude.”), and the androgynous David Bowie in Labyrinth (“That guy could do whatever he wanted to me in his magic goblin castle.”). Epic Voice Guy has a longstanding fetish for breasts (“bewbs”) and abs. Epic Voice Guy is sexually aroused by kinky sex and sometimes wears overcoats to the theater for... purposes. He also finds Jean Grey’s animated X-gasms in X-Men: The Animated Series incredibly arousing. Despite his vocal, enthusiastic attraction towards multiple men, Epic Voice Guy has never identified as gay, bi or pansexual. In the past, Epic Voice Guy told viewers that he wasn’t gay, usually directly after objectifying hot men such as ”Hunkosaurus-Rex" Liam Hemsworth and Channing Tatum. However, since 2016, Epic Voice Guy has openly expressed sexual attraction towards men without qualification or clarification, eg “Let’s go kiss some dudes!” in Top Gun. Epic Voice Guy also loves Benedict Cumberbatch's "beautiful shark face." He has also declared his desire to “bend over” for Captain America and put Patrick Swayze in his mouth. He is also attracted to Jason Momoa. Epic Voice Guy stated that he found Princess Jasmine hot until he found out she was supposed to be only 15. He also stated that he found Hermione Granger attractive in the Harry Potter movies, but only after she turned 18. Epic Voice Guy is also attracted to extremely old women, for example the [[Honest Trailer - Mortal Kombat|10,000 year old Katana from Mortal Kombat]]. Epic Voice Guy is sexually aroused by animated rabbits, including Judy Hopps in Zootopia and Lola Bunny in Space Jam. He has not officially labelled himself a furry, but he has raised it as a possibility that he is exploring. Epic Voice Guy has shown sexual interest in multiple aliens, including sharing pictures of Thanos bending over in suggestive poses during the Avengers: Infinity War Honest Trailer, and declaring himself a Symbrock shipper during the Venom Honest Trailer. At the sight of Eddie Brock kissing She-Venom, he declared "Epic Voicey likey!" Knowledge of Animal Reproduction and Anatomy Epic Voice Guy exhibits a highly developed understanding of animal reproduction on several occasions. For example, he comments on the breeding patterns of lions in The Lion King, highlights the fact that turtle penises are half the length of their bodies in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, points out that clown fish are protandrous hermaphrodites that can change sex before mating in Finding Nemo, and notes that eels build eggs nests out of their own saliva in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Epic Voice Guy's fixation with animal reproduction occasionally interferes with his work, for example during the How to Train Your Dragon Honest Trailer, he became momentarily distracted by the anatomical feasibility of a human woman and a bee having sexual relations. Epic Voice Guy objects to anatomically incorrect depictions of animals in movies, including the absence of ape penises in both Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and Kong: Skull Island, and the absence of all sex organs and anuses in Zootopia. However, when animated films do depict animals with realistic anuses (such as in The Secret Life of Pets), Epic Voice Guy just complains about that too. It's not just anatomically correct animals that cause Epic Voice Guy distress: anatomically correct mannequins and minotaurs cause the same reaction. It is unclear where Epic Voice Guy obtained his extensive knowledge about animal reproduction or whether it has anything to do his sexual attraction towards Judy Hopps. Math and reading skills Epic Voice Guy doesn’t understand roman numerals. He also has extreme difficulty pronouncing long names such as Wasikowska, Palahniuk, Postlethwaite, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Saorise Ronan, Denis Villeneuve and Yorgos Lanthimos. Epic Voice Guy reads out misspelled comments verbatim, and it’s unclear if this is deliberate. Epic Voice Guy has difficulty understanding people with foreign accents, especially if they are delivering plot-dense exposition. Emotional stability Epic Voice Guy is extremely emotionally volatile. He has flown into fits of rage multiple times, including during After Earth, Game of Thrones Vol 1, The Maze Runner and Star Wars. The only time his rage has impeded his ability to do his job was during the recording session for After Earth, a film so atrocious he walked out of the booth in disgust. Epic Voice Guy’s rage has become near homicidal on a couple of occasions including when he ranted that he hated Joffrey Baratheon so much, he was willing to kill him himself, and when he wished all meter maids were dead. Epic Voice Guy cries during emotional moments in virtually any kids movie, e.g. Home Alone, Inside Out, Finding Nemo, Finding Dory '''''and How to Train Your Dragon. Epic Voice Guy has also been moved to tears by [[Honest Trailer - The Fault in Our Stars|saccharin YA cancer romances like The Fault in Our Stars]], [[Honest Trailer - The Flash (TV)|superhero TV shows like The Flash]], [[Honest Trailers Anime - Naruto|bromantic anime series like Naruto,]] and [[Honest Trailer - Logan|gritty comic book movies like Logan]]. In particular, all expressions of fatherly affection make Epic Voice Guy sob uncontrollably, regardless of whether they occur during sentimental children’s animations like 'Finding Nemo, light-hearted comedies like Home Alone, or hard-R action movies such as The Terminator. Epic Voice Guy should probably call his Dad and work through his Daddy issues. Epic Voice Guy has extreme difficulty dealing with sadness and vulnerability. Though he cries semi-regularly, he usually insists that he is not crying and tells others not to look at him. Epic Voice Guy is also prone to bouts of existential dread, usually while watching kids movies. Family and relationships Epic Voice Guy is married. He has stated that he has a “dull marriage” and that “I’m never getting laid.” He describes himself as “so lonely”. Perhaps his loneliness is also why he's so eager to delete his browser history before he dies? Epic Voice Guy’s mother thinks that he is wasting his life and he should go to night school. Epic Voice Guy has a strained relationship with his father. Their relationship is so bad that any movie scene depicting fatherly affection makes Epic Voice Guy break down into uncontrollable crying. “Just keep swimming, Jon” and maybe you should really call you Dad this time. The exact cause of Epic Voice Guy’s estrangement from his father is never directly stated, though it probably has something to do with Epic Voice Guy’s father ignoring his son whenever he gushed about comic books (“Dad, why aren’t you listening to me?” – Honest Trailers - Avengers: Infinity War). Also, Epic Voice Guy's father putting his son him in spandex and beating him with a roomba as a child may have been a contributing factor. Epic Voice Guy has at least one child, a daughter. He is concerned The LEGO Movie might turn her into a communist. When Epic Voice Guy drives his daughter to soccer practice, he plays hipster music and thinks he is the “cool dad.” Epic Voice Guy’s daughter appears in the Superman: The Movie episode of Honest Trailers where she is credited as “Epic Voice Kid.” Her intellectual abilities are impressive and she provides a highly sophisticated analysis of the thematic content of the film. Epic Voice Guy responded to her contribution by telling her to “Go bother your Mom” and “Get the f*** out of my booth.” Epic Voice Guy labelled the world of A Quiet Place "every Dad's paradise." Epic Voice Guy’s nanna is still alive and she has no idea how to use Facebook. She often accidentally posts status updates when searching for oatmeal cookie recipes. Epic Voice Guy’s grandfather, “Papa,” is deceased, but he would have appreciated a [[Honest Trailer - The Mummy (2017)|monster movie-verse featuring The Creature from the Black Lagoon]]. Epic Voice Guy has at least one aunt (“Aunt Pam”) who posts lots of Minions memes on Facebook. He also refers to "your aunt" (sometimes “your Aunt Bev”) who is turned on by Fifty Shades of Grey. It is unclear if Aunt Bev is his actual aunt. Financial Stability Epic Voice Guy's family is in a precarious financial situation due to excessive spending on Frozen merchandise for his daughter. He claims that his family is “poor now.” His financial situation is so dire that he appeared on screen during the Honest Trailers episode Boyhood, despite not providing any voice-over narration, purely to clarify that he would still get paid. Worth Ethic Epic Voice Guy is dedicated to provide voice-over for all Honest Trailers regardless of his personal feelings on a film. However, Daredevil was so boring that he fell asleep in the booth, while After Earth was so actively atrocious that he walked out of the booth in disgust. Epic Voice Guy is so committed to his job that he sprayed silver food mist across his mouth during the recording of Mad Max: Fury Road. Apparently it tasted terrible. Phobias and impairments Epic Voice Guy has multiple phobias including unprepared public speaking, clowns, naked elderly woman, minions, and beautiful women with very faint birthmarks. His greatest fear is the old dancing man from the Six Flags commercials. Epic Voice Guy would run away from a potential romantic partner who [[Honest Trailer - Fifty Shades Darker|owned a framed Chronicles of Riddick poster]]. As would we all. Several things cause Epic Voice Guy to puke including torture porn, gruesome war violence, shaky camera work, and vans that smell like ass. Epic Voice Guy is occasionally prone to nose bleeds, usually brought on by complicated franchise continuity. A related ailment is his tendency to black-out during overstuffed movies. Epic Voice Guy is also highly photosensitive; he can be blinded by the mere sight of excessive white pancake makeup. Epic Voice Guy has a form of erectile dysfunction where he can’t sustain an erection without obtaining a certain number of YouTube views. As far as the writers of this Wiki know, no research is currently being conducted regarding this condition, so its prevalence and severity is unknown. Epic Voice Guy also has a previously unknown form of epididymal hypertension ("blue balls") that is triggered by anticipation scenes in horror movies. He refers to this condition as "scare balls." We, the writers of this Wiki, thank Epic Voice Guy for raising much needed public awareness about this condition. Drug Use Epic Voice Guy occasionally eats a few edibles before going to the theater. He often compares the experience of watching movies to the effects of various drugs, implying he has extensive first-hand experiences of banned substances. List of references See also * Honest title * Stares * Bewbs * Vault episode * Musical episode * The Alan raptor * Jon Bailey Category:Screen Junkies Category:Honest Trailers Category:Fictional Characters Category:People Category:Narrator